You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
