I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
