I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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