my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
