I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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