Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
