Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
