I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
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yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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