no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
