Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
