Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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