listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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