The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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