I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
