3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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