How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
