I think I died a long time ago.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
