i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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