took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
