Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
