Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
