Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
