Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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