look no pants
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
