What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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