My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
