I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
