I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
