Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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