Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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