i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
