What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
