my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
