Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
