I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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