dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
