billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
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Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
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And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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