I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
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