Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I intend to get homeless drunk
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
