Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
