oh god the rape fog is back!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
