There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
