Little spoons don't ask big questions
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
