genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
