i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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