if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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