went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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