Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
