you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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