I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
