I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
