Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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