JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
