quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
