I haven't been this sober since birth.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
