State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
