I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
