He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
