so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
